


The Last Yaga

by Adrastos



Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Introspection, Minor spoilers for Gotterdammerung, One Shot, Self-Doubt, Spoilers for Anastasia, Using the Names from the English Localization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:08:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23509645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adrastos/pseuds/Adrastos
Summary: Patxi had fully intended his life to end when he'd jumped in front of Ritsuka Fujimaru and taken all the bullets that had been meant for the human. He knew that it had to happen, that the only course of action was to give his life so that Chaldea could succeed.Which is why it was a bit of a shock to wake up on the Shadow Border, still hurting but very much alive.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 58





	The Last Yaga

**Author's Note:**

> (HEAVY SPOILERS, of course. Comes with the territory)  
> ==========================================================================  
> So I finished the Anastasia Lostbelt about a week ago, and (like a lot of people, I imagine), Patxi's sacrifice at the end was rather emotional to sit through. So, almost immediately afterwards, the idea started kicking around in my head: what if he lived? After all, it's not like Fujimaru doesn't have a few servants on hand with healing skills.  
> Not to imply that his dying was the wrong call to make on the part of the writers by any stretch of the imagination; it certainly fit the tone of the arc perfectly and was incredibly well-written, and damn if it didn't make me feel for the poor guy. But this is AO3, a place where we can indulge our little what-ifs and fantasies, and so I decided to get a writin'.  
> Just hope it came out decent enough.  
> ==========================================================================

Patxi was fully prepared to die.

From the moment he’d seen the other Yaga point their weapons at Fujimaru – no, from the moment he’d been brought before the Tsar by that priest – he’d understood that no matter which faction emerged victorious his time in the icy hellscape he’d called home all his life was about to end.

And so, when the bullets of a dozen rifles tore the entire left half of his body to shreds, as he jumped in front of the paralyzed Chaldeans, there was no horrid, terrified realization that he was about to die. Only determination that he was playing his part in the struggle of those Chaldea people in getting their world back and hope that in the end his sacrifice would help bring back that world of smiles, stars, and happiness Fujimaru and Mash had gone on and on about.

And pain. A _lot_ of pain, which actually had been a surprise. Apparently even a Yaga had their upper limit when it came to pain tolerance. Still, he had to soldier through. He couldn’t die _quite_ yet, after all. Not until he could get Fujimaru’s sorry ass back in gear.

_But I really need to rest, though… This hurts a lot, after all._ Patxi felt himself slipping away even then. _And maybe that stupid stunt of mine did the trick?_

_No._ He forced himself to stay present. _Not yet. That soft idiot needs me to set him straight or he’ll just crumple up again and get himself shot_.

Patxi took one step forwards. Then another. And a third. All the while his body screamed out for rest, saying _no more_ , aching and burning and bleeding from a dozen different places, but he ignored all of it. Even a weakling like him had at least a _little_ strength, after all, and so the Yaga stumbled forwards again and again until he was standing right in front of the human who’d come in and upended his entire world.

Fujimaru was crying, Patxi realized. _Huh. Not as fun to see as I’d thought. Guess I really AM growing soft._ It would almost be embarrassing, if it hadn’t been for the fact that the whole ‘dying’ thing was probably a bigger issue. But Patxi pushed that thought out of his head as well as he raised a shaking and bloody hand to Fujimaru’s shoulder.

_Alright, here we go._ His last words. His one shot to get the human moving again. But what to say?

The words came out, halting and punctuated by pained wheezes, but they came out.

“I’ll never forgive you.” _Really? Starting with THAT? Way to build him back up, dumbass._

But he kept going all the same. “I’ll never forgive you, as long as I live.” Not that that would be very long. “You know why?

“Because thanks to you, I know there’s another, happier world out there.”

Patxi clutched Fujimaru’s shoulder with all of the little strength he still had left. “So stand up, dammit. Stand up and fight for it. Go on and brag about how you can smile in your world, and tell us why it should be the one to survive.”

He felt himself slip as his strength sapped out of his legs, but still he continued. He had to. “Be proud Hold your head up high, and fight for your weak little world.”

Patxi coughed, blood streaming from his mouth, and tried to ignore the searing pain from his head. _Just a moment longer. I just need to say one last thing…_

“…don’t you dare go losing to a world like this, a world whose only virtue is strength!”

That was it. It was all he had to say, all he _could_ say, and as Patxi finally lost even that little bit of strength left in him that had allowed him to say it, the Yaga collapsed onto the snow and hoped that it was enough.

Whereas before he’d fought his body’s desire for rest and poured every single scrap of being into remaining awake and alert, now Patxi found that even keeping his eyes open was an impossible task, and so, at last, he closed them and began to sink down into the inky blackness.

One-by-one, his senses began to fail him. As they did, the Yaga was suddenly reminded of something his father had told him a long time ago: supposedly, back in the old times before the asteroid, if a human lived a virtuous life they would be rewarded by entry into a land of peace and rest, where sorrow and pain no longer existed. _Well, guess I’ll know if that’s true or not_.

And certainly, as he was fading away into the blackness, he felt a strange, comforting warmth spread across his body, and slowly the wounds he’d taken protecting Fujimaru began to hurt just a little less.

As Patxi lay in the cold snow, he began to wonder if maybe there really was an afterlife after all.

… _Wait a minute._

Sure, the wounds were hurting a little less, but the entire left half of his body still felt like someone had banged it with an iron bar half a hundred times. _I thought the idea was to get RID of the pain, not just make it go from completely unbearable to only mostly unbearable?_

And come to think of it, why was he still just as cold as he’d always been?

And why, as his senses came back, did he hear what could only be the sounds of Atalante going at it with Fujimaru’s servants?

Groaning, Patxi tried to open his eyes. It took a herculean effort and in the end he was only able to open them maybe a quarter of the way, but when Patxi took in his surroundings there was no mistaking it: he was still in Russia, exactly where he’d been five minutes ago, still dressed in the same ragged clothing and still laying in a pool of his own blood. The only thing different was that now a blue-haired human woman with a giant stick was standing over him with her hands on his left arm.

_If this is the afterlife, then damn is it not everything it’s cracked up to be_. _I want a refund._

Upon seeing that he was awake (or had arrived, or whatever the proper term was), the woman smiled down at Patxi. “Oh, thank the Lord that worked. Score one for – I mean, praise be to the Father above.”

Through a tongue as thick and wet as sandpaper, Patxi made himself speak. “Who…are you?”

“I am Martha, Rider-Class servant contracted to Ritsuka Fujimaru.”

“Fuji…Fujimaru? Is he dead too?”

Martha laughed. “Dead? Of course not.”

“But then what – what's going on?” _You’re still alive, dumbass. Somehow._ “Actually, n-never mind. That’s…not important.” He needed to help Fujimaru a little more, it seemed.

With great difficulty, Patxi tried to stand up. Unfortunately, doing so was rather more than he was capable at the moment, and the act of motion caused the pain from all his wounds to flare up again even worse than it had before.

As his head throbbed and his shoulder burned, Patxi saw the world lurch in front of him. Then he lurched forwards and downwards, and fell back onto the snow, dead to the world.

***

When Patxi finally came to again, it was surprisingly warm. Hot, in fact, at least for a Yaga used to living somewhere that considered ninety below zero a pleasant temperature.

_Alright, where now?_ Patxi opened his eyes to check, but instead of seeing anything he was greeted by an unbelievably bright light positioned directly above his head, and when he raised his arm to try and shield himself, he found it was tied to his side in some kind of soft, white cloth. As was much of his head, he realized. _Do they really have enough stocked up that they can waste some on me?_ Had it been the other Yaga they wouldn’t have bothered, he knew, and so the fact that the humans were going to all this effort as opposed to just leaving him to die struck Patxi as rather odd. And, if he was being honest with himself, kind of flattering.

Turning away from the light in order to both take in his surroundings and to hopefully alleviate the splitting headache that had been forming ever since opening his eyes, Patxi was somewhat disappointed to find that the room he was in was completely devoid of anything but the table he was laying on and a small cart with a bunch of little objects on it. _Well that’s…underwhelming._ From how Fujimaru and Mash had described it, he’d expected that the ‘Shadow Border’ thing they were traveling around in would be a bit fancier and made up in ornamentation like the Tsar’s palace. Certainly not a bunch of completely blank metal walls.

_Fujimaru_. Come to think of it, was the human even alive? Had he failed in his mission? After all, Patxi was himself still very much alive and kicking, and if he’d understood Kadoc and that damned priest well enough all of the Yaga were supposed to vanish upon the destruction of the tree of emptiness.

So, then, did the fact that he was still around mean that Chaldea had failed? He needed to check.

Stiffly, Patxi threw off the blanket someone had draped over his chest and got to his feet before lurching over to the door as fast as his body would let him, every step with his left foot sending a lance of pain upwards.

When he reached the door it opened automatically without him having to so much as touch it, and as it did Patxi took a moment to marvel at the sight. Then, shaking his head and taking a deep breath, he staggered out into the hallway. No matter what he’d find, he would face it head on.

Patxi’s ears picked up a number of voices coming from behind the door at the other end of the hall, so he made his way towards them, using the wall to brace himself.

Each step was harder than the last, but eventually he made it all the same. Once again the door opened automatically, allowing Patxi to step into the room.

The first thing that he saw was that Fujimaru was, in fact, alive. At the moment the human was hunched over some sort of glowing panel alongside that girl in rather ornate clothing named Da Vinci, who appeared to be pointing something out.

“Scanners picked up a bunch of buildings – well, the remains of them, at least – dead ahead. See?”

Fujimaru nodded and looked over at Mash, who was standing by the window and gazing out at a vast expanse of whiteness. “Do you see anything out there like that, Mash?”

“Affirmative, Senpai. They’re pretty far off, but there’s no mistaking them.” She frowned. “Although…”

“Although?”

“They look…warped. Like they were either heated to an incredibly high degree or hit by some massive impact.”

“That’s not surprising.” It was the one who Fujimaru had said was named Holmes who spoke. “After all, we _are_ dealing with something that can render the entire earth nothing more than a featureless expanse of white. It stands to reason that even those few structures that could survive the initial assault would do so heavily damaged.”

“Think we should go out and look, Senpai?”

Fujimaru glanced down at the glowing thing and nodded. “Probably. There could be survivors, after all. Although we should probably wait for Goredolf to get here before we –”

Holmes, whose gaze had wandered over to the open doorway, interrupted Fujimaru with an exaggerated cough. “Pardon the interruption, but it seems that our patient has awakened.”

“What? Oh! Patxi!” Mash turned away from the window, her jaw dropping the moment she saw him standing in the doorway, and he ran over to give him a hug. “You’re okay! Thank goodness!”

Patxi wasn’t sure how to react: he couldn’t remember the last time anyone had hugged him. Or shown him any sort of basic affection, really. So he just let Mash hug him for a bit, enjoying the feeling despite himself, and only pulled away when he sensed that everyone else was beginning to find it a little awkward.

Although he hid it better, it was obvious that Fujimaru was just as pleased as Mash was. “I’m glad to see that you’re up and moving again. I was getting worried after a while, won’t lie.”

“Hang on, what? How long is ‘a while’?” Surely, he hadn’t been out of it for _that_ long.

Instead of answering right away Fujimaru looked up at the ceiling, muttering and counting on his fingers. _That’s not a good sign._ “…Two days? I think? Sorry, it’s a little hard to be sure since it’s always daytime.”

_Two days. Two full days_. Fujimaru had said the number completely casually, as though it was completely normal for someone to be unconscious for that long. And maybe it was, for humans, but for Patxi it seemed like such an impossibly long time that the very thought of it made his head start to throb again. _Damn, it feels like it’s only been like a couple hours since everything was going down._ He needed to find out what he’d missed.

“Where are we now? I’m assuming we’re outside of Russia?”

“We are. Quite a bit away, in fact.” Holmes took a sip of whatever he was drinking. “Have you ever heard of a place called Scandinavia? Or was that knowledge lost to you?”

“Nope. Can’t say the name’s familiar. Is it far away, then?”

“Nope, actually.” Da Vinci tapped the glowing panel, and afterwards some sort of map appeared on it. Upon limping over Patxi noticed that there were a number of large, white circles enclosing various portions of the world, one of which Da Vinci pointed to. “This right here is where we were – meaning Russia – and this one over here,” she pointed to one slightly to the west, “is Scandinavia. Right now we’re just reaching the outskirts. We’d probably be about to enter the Lostbelt already, if we hadn’t seen some buildings that Mash and Fujimaru want to check out.” She glanced over at the two of them. “Speaking of which, you two should probably just go. I think when he finally gets here Goredolf’s going to be a _bit_ too focused on our friend here to care. And besides, the air’s perfectly breathable, so there’s nothing holding you back.”

“Understood. Shall we, Senpai?”

“Huh? Oh – right. Come on, Mash.”

Patxi watched them leave, getting the sense that Da Vinci was more or less shoving them out the door before Goredolf came; a rather wise decision, he thought, based off the few interactions he’d had with Chaldea’s director. After they left, he looked back at the map, and the white circle that designated the land that had formerly been his home and steeled himself to ask the question he’d been thinking ever since he woke up.

“Did you do it? Is that big tree you were after gone?”

Holmes and Da Vinci looked at each other. “It is,” Holmes answered, “and the final erasure of the Lostbelt has been confirmed.”

Again with these humans dropping full-on bombshells on him completely casually. “Erasure. I take it that that means the rest of the Yaga are…” _gone_ , he tried to say, but the word caught in his throat. _Erased_ , he tried to say also, but his tongue refused to form the word.

“Oh, Patxi, I’m so sorry.” Da Vinci reached out and gently touched his arm. “I know this won’t make it any better, but I promise you that every single person on the _Shadow Border_ felt at least some guilt. Fujimaru and Mash cried about it the entire night afterwards.”

Now his head was _really_ aching, so much so that Patxi collapsed into one of the massive chairs without even realizing it. “Did it hurt for them?” Why that came to his mind as something to ask he had no idea.

“Well, there’s no way to know for certain, but…my guess is that it felt like falling asleep.”

“That’s good, I guess.” Patxi clamped his free hand over his head in the hopes that it would provide some relief; it didn’t. “I – I suppose I should be thankful for that, at least.”

He felt like throwing up. He’d known that it was necessary to bring back the world Chaldea came from, of course, known that in the end his world would have to die for the human one to return, so at least Da Vinci’s answer wasn’t a _complete_ shock to him.

But it was one thing to _know_ that something was going to happen and to find out that it actually _had_ , to realize that everyone and everything he’d ever known was gone, had vanished irretrievably into the void. It was one thing to think about the possibility that one day everything that made up your world would no longer exist. It was quite another to wake up and find out that it had happened without you knowing it.

Patxi felt water dripping down onto his shirt, tasted salt in his mouth, and realized that he’d started crying. _Why, though? Why cry for a hell like that? For a world that considered me weak just for caring about someone else? A world where the Oprichniki forced us to slaughter each other like beasts just to survive a single day longer?_ It didn’t make sense to cry for a world like that, and yet the tears continued to flow, and his body continued to shake in place. _There were children,_ he remembered out of the blue, _loads of them. Both in the rebel camp and in Yaga Moscow. But they’re gone now. And the toys they played with, and their parents, and…_

Perhaps that was why he was crying – for the fact that, even in a place like Russia, there were still things he’d considered worth protecting, worth fighting for. But it was all gone now, and by the look of things outside and the way everyone in Chaldea was acting they still weren’t any closer to bringing back their world. _Did – did they destroy Russia for nothing?_ It couldn’t be. It was impossible. Da Vinci had said that there were other Lostbelts, so maybe they had to destroy all of them.

It made sense, but the thought that Chaldea would have to do what they had done to his home several more times made Patxi’s stomach churn. Not that it was likely any easier of a prospect for them, he supposed. He was tempted to ask, but that would require speaking, and since at the moment it was taking all his self-control not to break down even harder he wasn’t sure he was up to that.

It was at that moment that the door to the cockpit opened again, and in stepped Goredolf Musik.

“Good morning, director!” Da Vinci called out to the newcomer as though the drama and revelations of the past few minutes hadn’t happened. “Did you sleep well?”

Patxi heard Goredolf suppress a yawn. “Well enough, at least as well as I can in this place. Say – where did Fujimaru and Ms. Kyrielight get off to? Don’t tell me they’re sleeping in.”

“No, they’re awake. They’re outside, checking on some things we saw on radar. It’s just a perfectly safe bit of recon, so don’t worry about them.”

“They went outside without my permission?” Goredolf snorted. “But that’s – what if – it’s too risky! We can’t afford to lose either of them!”

“Why, director!” Holmes teased. “If I didn’t know better, I’d almost think you were worried about the two of them.”

“Of _course_ I’m worried! Without Fujimaru or Mrs. Kyrielight we’re doomed!” Even from across the room Patxi could hear Goredolf grinding his teeth. “But what on _Earth_ possessed you all to let them go outside without so much as running it by me first?”

Da Vinci shrugged. “We figured that your attention would be better served elsewhere.”

“Meaning?”

Apparently Goredolf was still oblivious to the fact that one of the cockpit chairs was occupied; Patxi rolled his eyes, sighed, and got to his feet. “Meaning me.”

“Ah. So you and that rider servant were able to save him after all, Da Vinci. I must admit I had my doubts. I’m still not sure we had the supplies for it, though.”

“Um, right here?” Patxi realized that, somehow, every word out of Goredolf’s mouth was managing to single-handedly make his headache get worse. “You _know_ I can hear everything you say, right?”

Goredolf blushed and turned to the Yaga. “Yes, of course. You are fully recovered, then?”

“Mostly, thank you for asking. Except for the fact that the entire left, half of my body got ripped to shreds. But don’t worry about your supplies – my body can handle the rest of the recovery on its own.”

“That’s good to hear. As we are now, we can’t afford to be wasting anything else. Although, I suppose that you’ll still be needing a lot of food…” He groaned. “Damn it, I hope we have enough.”

“I didn’t realize I was such a burden to you all.” His head once again hurting to the point that keeping his eyes open was a hassle, Patxi’s voice dropped to a low growl. “Would it be better if I went outside and let you all run me over?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m merely concerned about the added strain your presence will have on our resources. We can’t have everyone in here going hungry, after all.”

The words, as sensible as they were, struck a nerve. “Yeah, like you have any idea what that actually is. You’ve never gone hungry a day in your life, have you?”

“E-excuse me? I’ll have you know that I’ve –”

“You’ve what? Eaten half your weight one day instead of eating all of it? Forgone a couple bites or two from your favorite food?” The words kept pouring out before Patxi could stop them. Not that he was sure that he even _wanted_ to stop them. “Well, hate to break it to you, but that’s not going hungry. Come back when you’ve been through a day where the only food you’ve had is a rotten scrap of week-old meat from the bottom of the fireplace, you pampered idiot.”

The room had gone completely quiet, and both Holmes and Da Vinci looked very much like they were having to resist the inclination to book it out of the room as fast as they could. As it was, they remained, frozen in place, as Patxi and Goredolf stared each other down.

A vein had begun working in Goredolf’s forehead. “Watch what you say, Yaga. I’m still the Director of Chaldea, I’ll remind you, and so ultimately, you’re only here because I’m allowing it. So _mind. your. tongue._ ”

Patxi tried and failed to suppress a snort. “Oh please. Even someone like me can see that you’re only in charge because everyone here humors you. You’re _nothing_ , you know that?” _Same as me,_ a portion of his brain said.

That had apparently been the absolute worse thing to say, because both Holmes and Da Vinci sucked in a large amount of air at the same time.

Goredolf, Patxi saw through eyes squinted from the pain, was absolutely livid. “You have no idea what you’re talking about, you ungrateful fool.” He looked over at Da Vinci. “I’m starting to think you shouldn’t have saved him.”

Something snapped in the Yaga. Without realizing it Patxi leapt out of his chair and charged at Goredolf, slamming him against the wall before the human could so much as blink.

“Listen here, dipshit,” he snarled, “I didn’t _ask_ to be saved. I didn’t _ask_ for you all to drop into my life and drag me into a war. By rights I should’ve just sat back and Atalante kill all of you, but you know what? I didn’t. I got myself involved, knowing that I was going to die. I took a bullet for you people. Twelve of them, in fact. _Twelve. fucking. bullets._ All so that Fujimaru could survive and fight instead of dying in the snow like the weakling he is, and what do I get for it? A lecture about how I need to sit down and shut up and be thankful that I’m being allowed to live. So _don’t. talk. to. me. about. ingratitude._ Am I clear?”

Even with one hand Patxi was still a Yaga, so all Goredolf could do was struggle feebly in his grasp. “Yes…yes…I understand you.”

“Good.” Patxi released his grasp, sending Goredolf toppling to the floor. “Now I’ll leave so that you don’t have to look at an ‘ungrateful fool’ like me any longer.” Without waiting for an answer from anyone, Patxi stormed out of the cockpit.

It took only a few steps for him to realize that he was being followed. It was Da Vinci.

“Were you going back to the infirmary?”

“If that’s what the room I woke up in is called, then yes. Or is even doing that too much of a burden for you guys?” Da Vinci looked slightly offended, and seeing it caused Patxi to feel a pang of shame; she hadn’t been the one talking down to him, after all. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. It…it _is_ alright for me to go back there, right?”

“Well, actually, it’s sort of Mash’s room usually, and since you’ve recovered enough....” she gestured at one of the doors farther down the hall. “I think you might find it a bit more comfortable in there.”

Patxi walked over and gazed into the room. It was surprisingly dark and was as sparsely furnished as the infirmary had been, with only a couple of beds stacked on top of one another and a washbasin in the corner.

Da Vinci walked in behind him. “Sorry that it’s not really the best quality – we were using it as a cell, but after Kadoc gave us the slip we thought that maybe you could use it? It’s a step up from the infirmary, at least.”

“That it is.” Patxi sat down on one of the beds, finding it surprisingly comfortable. “I’ll take it.”

“Good. Now I’m guessing you probably want to be alone right now?”

“Yeah. If it’s not too much to ask.”

“Alright, then.” Da Vinci took another look at him, biting her lip as she did so, but whirled around and left without another word.

Patxi laid back on the bed, his headache starting to ebb, and tried not to think about all the children whose existence had been snuffed out. It proved impossible, and soon the shaking started again. The tears followed soon afterwards, and as he laid back both grew more intense, until Patxi’s entire body shook with heavy sobs.

***

Patxi had no idea how much time had passed, save that enough had come and gone for him to regain some sense of composure, when he heard a gentle knock on the door.

“Who is it?”

“Holmes. May I come in.”

“Knock yourself out.” Patxi sat up as his visitor entered. “Look, if it’s about what I said to Goredolf, I’m sorry. I – I just got carried away.”

“Understandable, considering what you had just learned. And I imagine that our mutual friend didn’t exactly help matters.” Holmes sighed and sat down on one of the beds opposite Patxi. “Director Musik is an…acquired taste, but I promise you that he means well underneath all the bluster and arrogance. We are alike in that respect, although I like to think that I at least to not accidentally go out of my way to push every single button of the person I’m conversing with.”

Patxi raised an eyebrow. “I think ‘means well’ is putting it charitably.”

“Not at all. Director Musik was merely concerned about the state of supplies aboard the _Shadow Border_. Prior to entering Russia we had nearly run out, after all, and I think he was worried about that happening again. For everyone’s sake, not just his own, I will note.”

“And _is_ that going to be a problem?”

“Not for the foreseeable future. Once we arrive in Scandinavia we will be able to resupply – hopefully with better food than the demonic beasts we’re currently living off – within short order, and our supplies will only become all the more secure once we reach the Wandering Sea.”

“Come again?”

“Oh, right. You’ve missed a fair bit. To put it briefly, somewhere on the other side of the Scandinavian Lostbelt lies, at least we have reason to think, another group of mages. If we can reach them, we needn’t worry about food.” Holmes smiled. “I explained all this to Director Musik, of course, so you won’t hear a peep out of him about the situation ever again. In return, please refrain from assaulting him any further. He may not look threatening, but he is still a mage, and so provoking him would only end poorly for the both of you.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Good. Mr. Fujimaru and Ms. Kyrielight will be most relieved. Perhaps they’ll even stop shouting at Director Musik long enough to tell everyone what they found outside.”

Patxi had to laugh at that, despite everything. “Now that makes me wish I was there to see it.”

“It’s better that you’re not, lest someone get thrown out a window. Probably Director Musik.”

Then they were both laughing, for a few brief, wonderful moments.

“Right, in all seriousness,” Patxi asked after they’d calmed down a bit, “I was out for two days, right? What else did I miss?”

“A fair bit, actually. After Mr. Fujimaru destroyed the Tree of Emptiness we managed to capture Kadoc Zemlupus, but unfortunately before we could interrogate him or attempt to turn him to our side we were assaulted Metropolitan Macarius.”

Patxi’s insides immediately froze up. “He – he survived? But I thought everyone from Russia vanished.”

“They did, but only those who hailed from the Lostbelt itself. Macarius, linked with Russia as he might have been in life, was summoned independently from the Lostbelt and thus was able to escape it in the same manner as everyone hear. Excepting you, of course.”

“Oh. I should’ve figured.” Patxi fell back onto the bed, his heart racing. _The priest’s alive. That bastard who made me look at Ivan’s still out there._ He could just see the man’s face, that smile that, rather than radiate kindness like a smile was supposed to, instead projected an aura of complete malice. _And he was here. Just a few feet away from me._

Patxi realized that, somehow, the thought that the priest was still out there and the realization that they had nearly crossed paths all but terrified him.

“What else did I miss?” He asked, hoping to change the subject.

“Just before Kadoc escaped we received a transmission from the Wandering Sea group I mentioned, and since then we have been slowly making our way across the land towards them. As you heard we’re set to dive into the Scandinavia Lostbelt shortly, although from there I’m not certain what we will do. We may be fortunate enough to merely have to make our way across it in peace, but I fear that we may have to do to Scandinavia what we had to do to Russia.”

“Destroy it, you mean.” Patxi wondered if he’d be able to face seeing that happen. _Maybe I’ll just stay in here._ “Anything else?”

“Nothing of note. Was there anything else you wished to know?”

Patxi was about to say no, there wasn’t, when he remembered something Holmes had said earlier. Something that, although he wasn’t sure he really wanted to know the answer to, he just had to ask, a state of affairs that seemed to be happening a lot lately. “You said that you and Goredolf were alike?”

“In some ways, yes.” Holmes looked at him, curious. “Why?”

“Does that include thinking that saving me was a mistake?”

Patxi had expected Holmes to answer immediately in the affirmative, but instead the Servant just sighed and closed his eyes. “That question is…difficult. While on the whole I would not go as far as Director Musik and say that we should not have saved you, I won’t deny that your rescue has left me with some concerns, although they are concerns of a rather different nature.” Opening his eyes, Holmes steepled his fingers under his face and looked at Patxi. “To put it simply, I am unsure of what ramifications your survival will have on Mr. Fujimaru and Mrs. Kyrielight’s actions going forwards in relation to the inhabitants of each Lostbelt.”

Patxi _thought_ he understood what Holmes was talking about. “You’re worried that they’ll try and start saving everyone they encounter, aren’t you.”

“Precisely. If they could save one soul in the first Lostbelt, why not save another in the next? Or two? Or four? Leaving aside concerns about supplies, I doubt that doing so is even remotely feasible. Your survival was quite literally a miracle, and one we could only accomplish because Mr. Fujimaru’s other servants were enough of a match for our opponents that Saint Martha was able to attend to you. It is unlikely that we will be that lucky in the future.”

“Right, probably not.” Rubbing his hand over his face, Patxi thought about what that meant. “That’ll crush the two of them, won’t it? They’re both soft like that.” _Oh, like you’re one to talk, Mr. ‘I’m going to cry over the same people I basically helped shove out the door’_. He pushed that thought out of his head. Especially if they try and save a little kid or something.”

“Exactly. Such a failure would be devastating to morale. As you saw, their guilt over having to destroy the Lostbelts is already immense as it is. A failure to save lives would only increase that.”

“I see.” It was something that he had feared would happen. “So then,” he continued, haltingly, as if to deny the words he was saying, “ _was_ it a mistake? _Should_ I have vanished with the rest of the Lostbelt?”

“I cannot say. Against all we have said, it is also true that your survival has and will be a comfort to Mr. Fujimaru and Mrs. Kyrielight, and that is in itself a double-edged sword.” Holmes stood up. “But in the end, in my opinion the question of whether or not your survival was proper is meaningless.”

Patxi didn’t follow. “What?”

“While we can speculate on the _should haves_ and _could haves_ forever, and debate the merits and drawbacks therein, ultimately it will not change the reality that you are sitting where you are. You _are_ alive, and no amount of questioning whether or not you _should be_ is going to change that. So instead of asking ‘is it right that I am alive’, you should be asking ‘what am I going to do because I am alive.” The door opened, and Holmes stepped halfway out. “Now, if you excuse me, there is probably a situation that I must help Da Vinci defuse.”

And then he was off, leaving Patxi all alone once more.

Patxi flopped back onto the surprisingly comfortable bed and lost himself in his thoughts. _What am I going to do, huh? As if THAT’S any easier of a question to answer._ But answer it he would, or at least try to.

His first thought was to wonder if maybe the best course of action would be, in fact, to simply find some way to die. That way there probably wouldn’t be any guilt from Fujimaru and Mash if they weren’t able to save anyone else, and it would certainly make the _Shadow Border_ ’s food issues lessen.

And besides, loath as most of the humans aboard the _Shadow Border_ might be to admit it, he’d realized something during those moments when he’d stood in the cockpit without anyone so much as noticing him: he really didn’t have any place in the world they were trying to bring back. Their world was a world of humans, and he was a Yaga. If the world did return he would forever be an aberration, a lone relic of a timeline that had been pruned as a failure.

So perhaps the only path left to him was the one he had decided on when he hurled himself in the path of all those bullets…

_No. I couldn’t die then until I’d snapped Fujimaru out of his funk, and I can’t die now_. Goredolf could prattle on about how Patxi was ungrateful all he liked, but Patxi knew when he owed someone something. And he owed all of Chaldea for saving him, and for giving him the hope that one day he could see that happy little world of theirs.

Until that debt was fulfilled, he couldn’t die, plain and simple. He would live, he decided no matter what anyone else thought.

But then, what would he do? It wasn’t like he had a role in Chaldea that he could play, or that he even understood more than half of the words they spouted off. _Or how anything works here, actually_. Nor could he fight the way Mash or Fujimaru’s other servants could, no matter how handy with a rifle he thought himself. Truth be told there really wasn’t _anything_ that was coming to mind as something he could do, and yet, somehow, that didn’t seem to be an issue: he’d think of something, he was sure. Even if it was just being the guy in charge of hunting.

Filled with resolve, Patxi was about to stand up and head back to the cockpit when a sudden, horrible thought occurred to him: _what about the damned priest?_ Holmes had said he was still out there and thinking about him made Patxi’s insides grow all cold all over again. _If I stick around here, I’ll definitely run into him again – is that really something I want to do? Is it something I CAN do?_ All of a sudden, the thought that he could face those cold eyes and that cruel smile again seemed completely laughable; surely, one look and he’d completely lose it. There was no way to fight it, it was an undeniable fact…

_Like how fighting the Tsar would only end in defeat was an undeniable fact?_ Patxi wanted to slap himself. _Chaldea overcame that, idiot, and they’ll overcome this, too. Probably._

Instead of imagining himself trembling before the priest, Patxi tried to imagine himself and Fujimaru standing strong and punching in his sadistic face. It was a pleasant image, one that made him smile, and it filled the Yaga with resolve.

He’d stay on for that, if for nothing else. For the sweet, sweet revenge of meeting the one responsible for his anguish and caving his face in. _And maybe getting back at Koyanskaya for HER actions on the side._ Now _that_ would be incredibly satisfying.

Right then and there, he made a promise to himself: he would live, repay his debt to Chaldea however he could, and then at the end of the day he would be there to watch the ones responsible for making his life in Russia a living hell pay with their lives. Perhaps it was a bit brutal, but then again, so had been his former home; he was what Chaldea’s enemies had made the Yaga, and so perhaps it was only fitting that he would turn that back on them.

Hoping to clean the blood and tears off his face Patxi walked over to the washbasin and turned it on, letting it fill with water. As he bent down to wet his hands, he noticed his reflection. It was the reflection of a Yaga like any other, yet at the same time the reflection of someone that was now unlike anyone else on the planet.

His reflection. The reflection of a Yaga that had been through hell and come out stronger. For the first time in a _long_ time, seeing it filled him with pride, and as Patxi washed his face he realized he was smiling.

Once he was finished, he left and started down the hallway, ready to face whatever would come.


End file.
